


bleed like me

by loretoo



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Eating Disorders, M/M, Mental Health Issues, POV Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Toxic Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:29:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28053201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loretoo/pseuds/loretoo
Summary: he starves himself to rid himself of sinand the kick is so divine when he sees bones beneath his skinand he says:hey baby can you bleed like me?c'mon baby can you bleed like me
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 9
Kudos: 36





	bleed like me

Donghyuck was sitting on the toilet when he heard it for the first time. 

Doyoung and Johnny were laughing and talking on the other side of the door, in his and Johnny’s shared room, when he heard those four words that caught his attention immediately. 

“Did you gain weight?”

Johnny said it while joking, with a laugh there in the middle of the sentence, but Doyoung’s response was so quiet and soft, Donghyuck was sure he didn’t take it as one. He replied in a whisper that from the bathroom he couldn’t quite get. 

“I didn’t mean it in a bad way!” Johnny replied, and then the conversation was over. 

A few minutes later, Donghyuck flushed, washed his hands and then exited the bathroom to find the couple cuddling while watching funny instagram videos. So he guessed that was the end of it.

He tried not to think about it again. 

Except for some reason, he really couldn’t. Not when during dinner Doyoung stopped himself before asking for more rice and glanced at Johnny instead. Not when he decided to stay back when all the fifth floor went out for chicken and beer, claiming he was tired and just wanted to lay down which, to be fair, he usually did, but never if it meant missing out on delicious food and alcohol. 

He thought about telling Johnny about it. It wasn’t uncommon for people in their field to go down this path. It was painfully easy to do it, and they even got classes about it when they were training, about healthy food habits and the constant reassurance to seek help if they needed to. But Johnny’s passiveness when it came to the topic didn’t sit right with Donghyuck. How could he not notice? They were dating. When Doyoung wanted to stay at the dorms he said nothing, when he constantly skipped dinner and had his last meal at four in the afternoon he just smiled and offered to make him a cup of tea instead. 

After a few weeks, Doyoung’s weight loss became noticeable on his face, his shoulders, even his hands. Donghyuck couldn’t help but wonder how much it must show on the rest of his body, and yet, Johnny didn’t say anything. He was the only one that didn’t insist that Doyoung went out with them to eat or at least have a plate of soup for dinner. 

It all took a sour turn at the practice room. 

They had a tour coming and it was coming quickly. More so than any of them wanted to and the tension in the group could be felt from miles. Taeyong was terribly stressed out and with a big burden over his shoulders because they just weren’t getting things right. They kept making the same mistakes, the choreographers were working till late hours of the night and the anxiousness was getting to everybody’s heads.

It was late, easily several hours past midnight and they decided to not go home until they got this choreography absolutely perfect. Donghyuck was looking at his own movements in the mirror so he didn’t see exactly when it happened, but suddenly a loud thud stopped everyone on their tracks, as they simultaneously found in the reflection one of their teammates lying on the floor. 

Doyoung had passed out. 

Donghyuck ran towards him. He had never seen a person look paler in his life. Doyoung looked… dead. He was sweating cold, completely out of it, even as their manager lifted his head off the ground and patted his cheeks carefully. 

“We need to get him to the hospital, hyung!” Taeyong said, lifting Doyoung’s legs. “Go get the car ready!” 

Their stunned manager left the room running. Donghyuck felt tears prick behind his eyes. He felt responsible for this, for not saying anything, for not warning the rest of the clear signs Doyoung was giving but because of the stress of the tour, no one had noticed. 

After their passed out friend was finally taken away by a storm of worried managers, the remaining members sat somberly and silently in the practice room.

Donghyuck caught Johnny smiling to himself. 

Doyoung came home the next day. The members welcomed him with warm hugs and a delicious meal for them to enjoy. Donghyuck couldn’t help but notice how Doyoung brought the chopsticks to his lips twice, chatting away and moving around his food the rest of the time before excusing himself, claiming how tired he was. 

That night, Johnny wasn’t in his bed. It was two in the morning and Donghyuck felt the urgency to go check on Doyoung. He walked on his tiptoes across the dark hallway until he was in front of his door but before he could open it, the noises from inside stopped him immediately.

Doyoung and Johnny were having sex. And by the sounds of it, Johnny was going at it like a beast. Donghyuck’s heartbeat fastened and it was so loud inside his chest that he almost couldn't hear the sound of Doyoung’s bed creaking or his pitiful moans. Donghyuck was  _ scared _ . This definitely wasn’t right. Doyoung had just come home from the hospital and he was weak, this couldn’t possibly be a good time to be fucking like wild animals. He needed to  _ rest _ .

But what was he supposed to do? They were both older than him, they had been together for a long time and if they were doing it, then Doyoung had given his consent…  _ right?  _

He went back to his room with a heavy heart. He turned around in bed for hours without being able to catch sleep. He felt Johnny come back in the middle of the night, and then when the sun began to light up the sky he just decided it would be better to take a shower and get some breakfast. 

Things went “back to normal” after Doyoung came back from the hospital. He blamed his collapse on the stress of the tour, just as everyone else did. They all agreed to not stay behind in the practice room after midnight anymore. 

Doyoung was still following a strict diet claiming he wanted to look good for the tour, but at least he was taking the protein shakes that Taeyong constantly fed him and he had breakfast and lunch with the rest. Donghyuck kept a close eye at every little bite Doyoung took and he was, in fact, eating everything off his plate. 

Donghyuck could finally breathe again, or so he thought.

They had their last fitting for the entire wardrobe they would take on tour. Six outfits in total that they would change through the concert. The stylists had really outdone themselves this time, Donghyuck thought, as he admired himself in the mirror. The suits fit him perfectly, and they were comfortable enough to move around and do all the dance moves without ripping anything. 

“But what are we going to do?!” was heard across the room. There was an instant silence around them. “We took his measurements only a month ago!” 

Donghyuck turned around and across the room, four or five people crowded around Doyoung, who lamely tried to cover his torso with a shirt. 

And then Johnny walked over. There was a discussion, Johnny was noticeably angry about the people making comments about his boyfriend’s body, and after a few exchanges of words that Donghyuck couldn’t really hear he took Doyoung away and into the bathroom. 

“What’s going on?” Mark asked, walking closer to Donghyuck. 

“I don’t know.” Donghyuck replied. “I think Doyoung hyung went overboard with his diet.” 

Donghyuck followed them. He didn’t think before doing it, but before he realized he was walking around the company’s hallways until he reached the men’s bathroom. He walked in silently and locked the door behind him, staying hidden behind the wall. He peeked and saw Doyoung covering his face, visibly upset. Johnny was hugging him and reassuring him. 

“It was so humiliating.” Doyoung said, his voice soft and weak. “Where were you?”

“I’m sorry, baby.” Johnny apologized. “I was getting my clothes fitted too.” 

“I told you I didn’t want to do this! I asked you to stay by my side and tell them I wanted to try my clothes in the bathroom.”

Johnny clicked his tongue and turned Doyoung around, so they were both facing the mirror. He kissed his neck and began undressing him. It was outstanding how easily he could manhandle Doyoung. One second the younger was upset and angry, the next one he was giving in and letting Johnny do whatever he pleased. 

First, Doyoung’s shirt fell to the floor, and then Johnny’s hands found their way to Doyoung’s belt. Soon enough, he was standing in front of the mirror in nothing but a pair of boxers that barely stayed up around his tiny hips. Donghyuck had to cover his mouth to not gasp out loud. He had never seen something like it before. Doyoung’s hip bones, ribs, collarbones and shoulders prominently stood out from under his skin. His thighs didn’t meet in the middle, his stomach curved inwards. 

It was terrifying.

“You look so beautiful.” Johnny whispered, pressing kisses against Doyoung’s neck, down to his shoulder blades. Johnny’s hands circled around Doyoung’s waist completely, his fingers meeting over Doyoung’s belly button. He then looked to the side, straight into Donghyuck’s eyes. The younger felt his heart skip a beat. “Don’t let anyone say otherwise.” 

Doyoung shivered and turned around, facing Johnny. “I love you, hyung.”

Johnny’s eyes met Doyoung’s as they shared a deep kiss.

Donghyuck wanted to throw up. He looked away and once he heard Doyoung moaning he took the opportunity to leave the bathroom. 

He was dizzy. Taeyong found him like that. Shaking. 

“What’s going on?”

“I…” Donghyuck was choking on his words. Johnny’s eyes, the way he looked at him with the confidence of knowing he was always there… it was all he could think about. “I need to talk to you.”

Doyoung was pulled out of the tour. 

“For health issues” the official statement read. Nothing else. The “get well soon Doyoung” hashtag trended worldwide for two days straight but none of the members were allowed to check their social media or make any clarifications about the topic on their personal accounts. 

The group was devastated. 

They had five days to figure out how they were going to replace him in every choreo, in every song. They had to go to the studio and re-do Doyoung’s pre-recorded bits and the editors would have to go over the VCRs again to either erase Doyoung or at least the parts where he interacted with it from the stage. 

It was an overall mess. And Doyoung… Doyoung was hospitalized. They couldn’t even see or talk to him when they needed him the most. 

Johnny had permanently moved from his and Donghyuck shared bedroom into Doyoung’s room. They all thought it was because he missed him, but Donghyuck knew best. Ever since that day in the bathroom, Johnny hadn’t looked or talked to him once.

Donghyuck couldn’t help but wonder if what he had done was right. Everything was in shambles. Taeyong had dark circles under his eyes permanently, the rest of the group didn’t smile or joke around like they used to and not even good news of the tour were able to cheer them up. Donghyuck’s insomnia was getting worse by the day and when he was finally able to get a few minutes of sleep he always woke up startled by nightmares.

They always involved Doyoung. Doyoung in the hospital, Doyoung throwing up blood. Doyoung being sexually assaulted by Johnny. Doyoung pressing a pillow against his face and suffocating him. 

It was this last one that woke him up startled the night before they were set to flight to Japan for the first date of the tour, and in front of him, standing in the middle of the dark room and staring right at him… was Doyoung. 

“Hyung?” Donghyuck couldn’t believe his eyes. He turned on the lamp on his bedside table. Doyoung was looking at him with rage in his bloodshot eyes, he was tense. Both of his hands were pressed into tight fists on each side of his body. 

“I know it was you.” he said. His voice was strained, ragged. 

“What?”

“I know you pulled me out of the tour.” he took a step closer. Donghyuck tried to get away while still lying on his bed. “Was it because you wanted my lines? I know you’ve always been jealous of me.” 

“No… no, hyung. I did it for your own good.”

Doyoung scoffed. “Yeah, right…” 

Donghyuck stood up and this time it was Doyoung who took two steps behind. “Hyung, you are killing yourself! Can’t you see? If you kept this going, you were going to  _ die _ .”

“Stop talking nonsense! I know you went to the studio to pre-record my lines, I know you got most of them, I know you’re even doing my solo stage!” 

Donghyuck tried to grab Doyoung’s shoulders but the older man pushed him away. “I know, and I’m sorry. I didn’t have any say in it, hyung... you have to believe me. But what’s really important here is your  _ life… _ how can you not see what Johnny hyung is doing to you?”

“How dare you?! Get Johnny out of this!”

“He’s the one who-”

“Shut up! He’s the only one who really cares about me, who really loves me like I really am!”

“Like  _ you are _ ? Is that why you weigh forty five kilograms right now? Is that why you haven’t eaten properly in  _ months _ ? He’s killing you and you’re letting him, and if you don’t stop-”

Doyoung was crying and when he didn’t find a way to shut Donghyuck up with words, he slapped him. “Shut up!” 

With tears burning his eyes, Donghyuck held his face. 

“I  _ hate _ you.” Doyoung spat before turning around and leaving the room, and those three words hurt a million more times than the hit Donghyuck had just taken. 

Taeyong came running into the room and hugged him tight. Donghyuck could only cry. 

  
  
  


“Hey.” 

Donghyuck opened his eyes. Johnny was sitting next to him on the plane. 

“What do you want.”

“Oh, is that a way to talk to your hyung?”

Donghyuck didn’t say anything. 

“That was quite a show you and Doyoung put up last night. If I knew it would end up in a slap, I would’ve sneaked Doyoung out of the hospital sooner.”

“You’re  _ sick _ .” Donghyuck said, filled with rage. “The only good thing about this tour is that you’ll be away from Doyoung hyung for two months. Away from your…  _ poison _ .”

“Yeah, sure.” Johnny smiled. He took out his phone and searched for something before placing it in front of Donghyuck’s face. “Look.”

He tried not to, but his eyes automatically went towards the screen. It was a picture of Doyoung taken by himself, a “nude” with his tongue out, legs open, very graphic and lewd, and he was almost showing off the IV connected to his arm as if his weak state and his permanence in the hospital was something to be proud of. 

Donghyuck was nauseous. “Oh my god?! Get that away from me!”

“You said I did this to him, but you’re wrong. He was like this way before he even met me. I just… pushed it a little to its full potential. Don’t you think it’s beautiful? Anyone else would have tried to change him, make him “normal” but not me. We found each other for a reason.”

Donghyuck didn't know what to say. Johnny kept talking. "He promised to update me during this two months, it was his idea, you know? He's just that perfect... that beautiful."

And then, before leaving, Johnny whispered one last thing into Donghyuck’s ear. “Stay away from us. I would do  _ anything  _ to keep Doyoung by my side, even if it means having to deal with some… collateral damage.”

  
  


Donghyuck just sat there. Stunned. Petrified. 

  
  
  


Useless.

**Author's Note:**

> title and description are from 'bleed like me' by garbage
> 
> thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this please leave me a comment :)  
> see you soon!


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